Zombies on the Brain

So as a result of a Miami man, supposedly high on bath salts, eating the face of another man has posited the idea of an actual impending zombie apocalypse.

(insert grunting gnarling sounds here)

Which got me to thinking: on a personal level, what would happen to me and Scott? We’re almost 2000 miles away, and if this indeed dissolve into an apocalypse, with all the trappings of failing technologies, fighting to stay alive, making alliances you wouldn’t want to for said survival, etc., how would we find each other? And what would happen if one of us became a zombie? I remember my sister saying she asked her fiance that question. If memory serves me (and, I’ll be honest, my memory is really weird*) I believe he said he would let himself be turned into a zombie to stay with her. 

So I decided to asked Scott:

Text from me: “If I turned into a zombie, what would you do?” 

As I waited for his response, I wondered what I would do if he turned into one. I felt kind of bad thinking I would probably kill him. My logical brain would understand that it was no longer Scott in his body, so he was in effect already dead and it would be ok. But it felt wrong justifying that in my head. 

Earlier this week I had to put our dog Nikki down. Scott and I discussed the humane-ness of it and how we both agreed that Dr. Kevorkian had it right and it was a weird shame that we can make the decision for our pets not to suffer but can’t do the same for our comrades. 

Scott’s response:“I’m sorry sweetie. Why do you think I have an AR-15″?  

They actually call this gun the “Zombie Killer”

If I’d been drinking water I would have done a spit-take.

I take weird solace in knowing we’re at least on the same page. Now here’s hoping we’re fighting on the same side if the end if nigh. 

_______________

*My memory can somehow remember that Bruce Campbell’s birthday is June 22, most of the lines in The Princess Bride and that Jonathan was my favorite New Kid, but can’t remember that I have to run an A/R report every morning for work. Go figure.

For the Love of Dog (s)

It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and one of the reasons why is that we’ve (my dad, my sister Irma and I) had to make the painful decision to put down our husky Ninotcka “Nikki”, because she can no long walk, will only eat peanut butter, and her kidneys may be shutting down. She’s lived a mostly vibrant 15 1/2 years, but the last few months, as arthritis has ravaged her back legs, it’s been extremely difficult to watch. Early this year she stopped trying to come up the steps from the garage (where the dogs stay when no one is home). She had started to slip and fall down the steps, so she stopped coming up. In the last couple of weeks we hadn’t seen her walking around at all. Last week, she started peeing her bed. We now had to help raise her back half so she could make it to the door to go. She also stopped eating. She looks miserable, though trying to keep a brave face. This is never an easy decision, but it’s the most loving one we can make for her.

Nikki in healthier times

When Scott and I first met and started dating, I learned he owned a dog – a boxer named Harley.

The first pic I ever saw of Harley, sent via text

This was a good sign, cause it does help when dog owner meets dog owner. I had once dated a cat owner, which ended shortly after I had an allergy attack at his house. As a dog lover, it did not surprise me one bit that I would fall in love with Harley. In fact, with my first serious boyfriend I had a hard time with the breakup not because of losing him, but losing his pit bull, who I had loved so much. Shortly after our breakup, he wound up giving her away. I admit I wished he’d given her to me.

you’re…coming…with…me!

Instead, I wound up accidentally adopting a rottweiler initially named Oso (Bear), then Chewbacca. It was an accidental adoption because we wound up fostering his mother Bubbles and her puppies. My sister Irma was a vet tech at the local animal hospital at the time, and Bubbles had been found tied to a dumpster. It also turned out she was pregnant, and she bounced from house to house til she wound up at ours. At the time we had Nikki and Irma’s rottie Fez, neither who was happy that there were 13 more dogs in the house (yup, 12 puppies).

they all started out this size

As the dogs got adopted, I wanted to keep Bubbles. When she got adopted, only little “Oso” was left (we’d given all the pups nicknames) and I wasn’t letting him leave. Of course, I didn’t realize how big he would get:

He’s only a year old here. He’s 140 lbs now.

Nikki, who had always been spoiled, was not too keen on her new “brother”. They had a few fights, and we were always able to break them up. I think, ultimately, Nikki resigned to having this new guy around, if only because he was double her size.

As Scott and I got serious, I often wondered how Harley and Chewy would get along. Overall, Chewy liked to meet other dogs; issues only arose when another dog would snarl at him, and he would get defensive. We once got “attacked” by a “killer” chihuahua, and it shows a testament to how he listens to me that he never went for the dog even as he got in Chewy’s face and my ankles. I’d never seen Harley interact with other dogs, but I think he would have loved wrestling with Chewy, even if Chewy would ultimately pin him down with his brute size.

Harley developed a weird ball around his abdomen that started to grow in size. It surprised both me and Scott, especially since I knew Chewy had a little ball in the chest area that had been diagnosed as a fat polyp. The diagnosis for Harley wasn’t so benign: it was hemangiosarcoma - cancer.

For about six months Scott changed Harley’s diet, took him to 3 operations, and did everything within reason to help his dog. Ultimately, he had to make the hard decision to put him to sleep.

Best buds: 2008

Stalemate

I know I’ve been absent for over a month, and for that, readers, I apologize.

I should’ve contacted the Emergency Broadcast System

The truth is, for a while there, I was in a limbo state of possibly not having a long distance relationship to discuss. From getting sick to shutting down emotionally, to Scott doing the same, and then broaching the subject in the worst, less constructive way possible, it looked like the love story we’d been building was closing in on its last chapter.

After a few rough weeks, Scott determined us at a stalemate.

Your move…

Because  I wasn’t entirely sure what the word meant, I looked it up: 

(In Chess):  a position of the pieces in which a player cannot move any piece except the king and cannot move the king without putting it in check;

 

any position or situation in which no action can be taken or progress made; deadlock: Talks between union and management resulted in a stalemate.

 

I thought more that we’d reached a crossroads. The problem was that, during this difficult time, that crossroads was dead-ended on a precipice.

 

not the leap I’d expected we’d make

We fought, and fighting in an LDR sucks. There is no face to face, which means the fight can be detached, and veer into a territory of callousness. I hate to admit this, but at one point I said “get your head out of your ass”. If you know me, that’s not a phrase that feels natural for me to say. I was upset and angry and disappointed, and I was unleashing it. So was Scott. This stalemate, or crossroads, had become fraught with frustration. I’d felt a series of emotions since being sick, then diagnosed, that I never shared with anyone, least of all Scott. I’d become so comfortable with relying on myself for these big things, and I didn’t include him. This stemmed from bad habits we’d been perpetuating in ourselves and in our relationship, from him doing disappearing act to me doing the same, along with my stubbornness and need for independence rearing their heads. 

the middle one is “Bitch Mode”

 So after a few days of fighting (in which we actually broke up for two days), the dust started to settle, at least a little bit. We decided it would be good for him to follow through on his planned visit. It was so good to be together, but also awkward. We didn’t truly broach the subjects of the fight, and tried, instead, to enjoy just being with one another, the first time in almost 3 months. 

But it wasn’t the way it has been before and, try as we might, we couldn’t ignore that. He went home and we tried to back shift into a better place. It felt like we were, but there was an underbelly of something not quite right. 

Over this past weekend, everything came to a head; only, this time, we actually addressed our bad habits, the frustrations, and the reality of what our Next Step should be. We started lopping at the Hydra heads and got somewhere, at least emotionally. 

Now, if this were a movie, Iowa and NJ would have continentally shifted* to be next to each other and we would have hugged, kissed, then clasped each other’s hands and walked into the sunset

and totally get on that roller coaster…

 But we can still continue to aim for it.

 And we are. For the first time in a long time, we’ve relaxed. We don’t have the answers, but we’ve expressed our concern about the questions. We know that the road we have to walk on isn’t going to be easy, and sacrifices will need to be made. We’ve decided we can’t give a shit about everyone else’s ideas and versions of what our relationship should be. We both have work to do on ourselves, that benefits the “Us”. Most of all, we reinforced that fact that we love each other and that is its own strength of faith. Love really is worth fighting for, even if it means fighting with each other about it. So we don’t exactly see a sunset in the horizon. But whatever we’re walking towards, right now, we’re still hand in hand. 

 _________________

* Obviously, I like my romantic comedies with a sci-fi element

loneliness (an essay)

There will be times that the weight of your loneliness will cause you to break down and cry.

When I was a kid, crying was sort of not acceptable, even though I was a girl. I think it was because my dad had wanted me to be his first boy (a wish that was never granted for him). It’s still something that bothers me – crying. My nose gets red, my eyes swell. Most people don’t look good when they cry, but I seem to get angry with myself when I do, as if I am purposefully making myself ugly on top of feeling awful and needing to let it out.

Ever since I was that kid, I’ve understood loneliness, and I think it’s something that it incomprehensible to people who haven’t allowed themselves to exist in loneliness at its height. That’s not to say that everyone hasn’t at one point been and felt lonely, but if you’ve ever been in the depths of it, where the emotion is so palpable that it crawls under your skin, where it whispers in your ears, then you haven’t let yourself be honest in loneliness.

I can’t say I would blame someone for wanting to avoid it. It touches on all the worst emotions – unworthiness, sadness, heartbreak, doubt. It’s this consistent hollowness that resonates, always, under the surface of anything and everything that you do.

Ina previous relationship I felt loneliness while with someone. I’m not sure that is any better or worse – I want to say worse, because you intermingle that loneliness with a deeper unworthiness that is (to quote Some Kind of Wonderful):  ”I’d rather be with someone for the wrong reasons, than alone for the right”.) But, at one point, I got the courage to want to be right:

and I gave the earrings back...

Being with Scott has perpetuated a version of loneliness that is a little more tolerable, but no less significant. You have someone, somewhere that loves you, but they aren’t there, most of the time. It messes with your head, as if, somehow, it’s an illusion. You can’t help but feel lonely when you’re alone. 

The thing I’ve always noticed about loneliness, in whatever version you experience, is when the undercurrent hits you. You’ll be sitting with people, laughing, enjoying yourself, being genuinely happy, and then, in a microcosm of quiet, you realize you’re lonely. Not alone – there are people there: they are your friends, or family, or coworkers – but you are lonely. And then that undercurrent is a wave of things: regret, hurt, want, and it turns your happiness into pensive sadness. And once you realize it, in that moment, there is no ignoring it, at least for that day.  After a night’s sleep, it will disappear, for a little while, but you always sense it, like a minor indigestion or itch – it’s there but it doesn’t stop you. And yet, no matter what, you know you have to persevere beyond it. It’s impossible to sit in it too long, because that can lead to despondency, and that is dangerous. 

So, you make adjustments. You go out there, you ignore it as best you can, by keeping busy, by making new friends, going on dates, and hoping, always hoping, that you will meet that person that will cure this, even if only for a little while. Ideally, you find the someone who forever cures it, the one with the right medicine. 

In an LDR, it’s a little more complicated. There is a weird tug and pull, the devastation of distance. It’s as harsh as ripping off a very big bandage that a visit has closed off, that rips at your heart and opens like a gushing wound. Day in, day out, you are resigned to being alone, and that loneliness will bite at your heels during those vacancies. 

 I have been sitting in loneliness for so long I’m not sure a separation from it exists, for me.  It has become a part of me, embedded in my DNA, and while I have amazing people in my life, no one can quell what exists and has existed for so long as a part of me. I can pinpoint from those days of not wanting to cry, a kid, a tween, a teen, always outcast, being misunderstood, feeling alone, being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, there is much of my life now (and then) that makes me ridiculously happy, the places and people in it.  And yet, there are moments when I just can’t erase that feeling, that loneliness. And it’s hard to describe (though I tried to here) unless you’ve been there, or are there.

I’m not pessimistic about this, mind you. I’m confident that, sooner than later, that feeling of loneliness will start to fade away because I will not be alone anymore, physically as well as emotionally. And even in that optimism, I don’t think it will forever go away, but it will fade, like my angel wings tattoo that I got when I was 21: still there, but with the blues and whites blended more into the flesh color of my hipbone:

also, taking a pic by yourself? wobbly...

And I think that will be ok, living with that persistent echo of loneliness, because it will also forever remind me of how lucky I have become.

Spaz, Jocks and Nerds

I was *finally* diagnosed with the medical issue that I’ve been dealing with since December of 2011. My doctor said I’m experiencing colonic spasms, but I prefer to say I have a spastic colon (which is just as accurate), because a part of me thinks that since I love to dance that even my insides need to …

my colon and liver boogying to the beat

…but mainly because I can be called a spaz and I will wear the moniker with pride:

especially if it has anything to do with zombies...

In fact, as it turns out, one of the alias’ my medicine has is A-Spas or Anaspaz.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned that upon our initial meeting Scott knew I was a nerd. It took me sometime to realize that Scott fit into the Jock category. In fact, I eventually realized that had we been in high school at the same time, we wouldn’t have been friends, and though I’m sure he wouldn’t have slammed me into the locker, instead, like most guys I went to high school (and especially the popular and the jocks) I would have been ignored by him.

I did bear a passing resemblance to Dawn Weiner...

I’ve often believed in the notion that life is essentially cycles of high school all over again. Workplaces recycle the same clichés we have to endure, as do our revolving door of friends. Social circles change, get smaller, but they are all versions of cliques.

I still exist as a nerd in my life. I’m a regular contributor to the sci-fi fan site PinkRaygun.com,  attend midnight movie showings, dress up on Halloween (party or not) and other times too, if the occasion could call for it. I believe I’ve improved my wardrobe since my days back at MHS, and I’ve abated much of my awkwardness, but still, I am that girl who was often shy around the jocks and populars.

Scott’s still a jock, though his sports have changed from baseball and football to hunting and fishing (and gathering?). I often wonder if it’s the climates we grew up in, and I’d like to think that the distance and our evolving relationship has lent itself to me being a little more open to the jock sensibility

caught one, couldn't even consider touching it though

and he to the nerd one.

after all, I did get him to don some Harry Potter glasses...

In any event, as I’ve mentioned in the past, being a jock or a nerd, we’ve come to learn quite a bit about each other due to our upbringing, both in different states, schools, and age groups, and bring those knowledges that (hopefully) bridge a gap in the distance.

Profile: Lynnie & Andy

It’s one thing to date long distance: there is the stages of dealing with that which recycle like a hamster wheel, endlessly going until you make a plan to get off, one way or another. But imagine making a life commitment, and still having miles between you?

Meet Lynnie and Andy.

 

They’ve known each other ten years, dating for five, and married for over one year. All this time, they have been long distance. I’ll let Lynnie tell you more:

How long have you guys been together/married?

We met in June 2002. We started dating in November of 2007. We became engaged in April of 2009, married in October of 2010.

How long have you been long distance?

The whole time.

 How did you guys meet?

I moved to Ithaca, NY, after college for the summer to attend an Olympic training camp for the US National Women’s Rowing Team (I’m a coxswain). During the first week there, I went into a store downtown that sold outdoor equipment [] to get some new socks for running, and to ask about good places for trail running in town. I met one of the folks who worked there (Trevor), and we chatted for a bit. [] A couple of days later, I got a call from Trevor asking if I wanted to meet him and a few friends for a drink. Since I didn’t know anyone in town, I agreed, and met him and Andy (my now husband) and a few of their friends at a bar. I can’t say that I immediately thought “Hey, that’s the man I am going to marry” when I met Andy. Sure, he was cute, but he was married at the time, had a baby on the way, and I barely knew the guy. Regardless, after that evening a bunch of us would hang out on occasion and go kayaking, running, etc. I got to know Andy better and we became very close friends. But eventually I moved back to Vermont after the summer was over and we tried to keep in touch, but life was crazy. In the end, we pretty much lost touch for 3 years. Shortly after I moved to Salt Lake City in the Summer of 2005, there was a huge outdoor industry trade-show in town. I thought that Andy and Trevor might be attending, and since I still had Andy’s number I called it. It was still his phone, and I left a message. We got together for dinner that week, and rekindled our friendship. I learned that he had recently separated from his wife, and they were planning a divorce. We spent another 2 years as friends, and eventually that grew into our relationship.

 Did you ever reconsider staying in the relationship, or, because you knew it was going to long distance for a long time, once you decided, you were both all in, no doubts?

 For us, it was “all or nothing.” Since my (now) step daughter was 31/2, we knew that anything we did would affect her too. That made us really consider how serious we were about the whole thing, because she had been through her parents’ divorce already, and we wanted to make sure she never had to go through anything like that again. So our promise to one another was that we would never ever break up or divorce. Ever. The distance makes things hard, for sure, but I don’t think either of us have ever considered leaving. A promise is a promise.

 

 

How did family/friends react to not only dating long distance, but also being married and long distant? Was there more support once you guys got engaged/married?

My parents were always pretty supportive. I think they realized that what we were (are) doing was serious from the start. When we got engaged they were equally excited, and although they didn’t give us any more “support” than before (they were giving us a lot already) I think it was nice for them to think that we were moving forward in some direction. Andy’s parents struggled a little more… In terms of friends — we always got a lot of support — and many of my friends in med school did long distance for varied amounts of time (never as much as us, though) so they understood. In terms of Andy’s work — he owns his own business, and works with hundreds of people each week, and I know he really noticed a shift after we were engaged and married. It was much more official had much more gravitas when he was able to call me his “wife” than when I was a “girlfriend.” For me, at work, being able to mention that my “husband” lives in NY while I am in UT sometimes elicits sympathy when I need it for example if I want to try to move something around so that I can leave an hour early to catch a plane, etc.

How long is the distance between you and how often do you get to see each other?

 2100 miles. Two time zones. Almost the whole USA.

I live in Salt Lake City, Utah and Andy lives in Ithaca, NY. To see one another we always need a plane. Actually, we need at least 2 planes with at least 1 stop-over, if not 2. The closest airports to us are SLC (about 25 mins from my house) and Ithaca (about 5 from his). But flying to a small town like Ithaca is expensive, so we often fly to/from Syracuse NY or Rochester NY, which are 75 and 90 minutes from his house, respectively. So not only is the travel by plane long, but then we have to drive another hour or more home, most of the time.

Andy owns his own business. There is a lot of travel involved, and sometimes that even takes him to, or through, SLC. He sets his own schedule for the most part, although some parts of the year are far more hectic than others. When I was doing the “graduate school” portion of my MD/PhD, my schedule was also flexible. I worked long hours, and many days in a row, but I set my own schedule for the most part too. I worked in basic science medical research, and as long as I was able to get my work done, the folks I worked with/for were OK with me being gone occasionally. During those 3 years (Nov 2007 -Dec 2010) Andy and I saw one another about every 3 weeks. He would work in a stop-over in Utah to a trip for work to CA or WY, and I could easily take off a Friday or a Monday for a weekend in NY if I wanted every once in a while.

       When I returned to the “clinical” part of my MD/PhD training in January of 2011, I no longer was in control of my time. I don’t know if you (or your readers) know many medical residents, but the job is notorious for being brutal, long hours, and with few days off. That’s the same schedule I am on now. Most months, I have 1 day off each week. Some months, I am overnight in the hospital every 3rd or 4th night, staying up pretty much from 5AM on the first day until 12PM on the following day. That usually doesn’t give me enough time to get to upstate NY, especially since the travel time alone is usually 11 or 12 hours each way, with the airport time, planes, the stop-overs, and the driving. You can imagine that I can’t just go for a single day!

      So for the past year and a bit, we’ve tried to see one another every month. Sometimes we do better, and sometimes we don’t do as well as that. I think the longest we’ve had to go this year was about 7 weeks. And the best we’ve done was that I did a rotation last April in Ithaca, and got to be with Andy every day for about 4 weeks.  In my job we don’t really get holidays off, though we do get 2 weeks at Christmas/New Years and I had 2 weeks off in June. We try to spend those together somewhere, but this year I had to spend much of the Winter holiday doing Job interviews. It’s been a little hectic.

What was your reaction when you knew this was going to become long distance?

That was the plan all along. We started the relationship this way, knowing it would be like that for at least the 5 years i needed to finish my MD/PhD (which is, in total, a 7yr program).

Do you have plans to move closer? If so, who is moving where? Or are you picking a “neutral” zone?

Indeed! I graduate from my MD/PhD program on May18th, and after that I start my medical residency in Pediatrics. I actually ONLY applied to programs that are driving distance from where Andy lives in upstate NY. My top choice is about 90 minutes away, and other top programs are between 2-4hrs driving. That may seem far, but ANYTHING that allows us to use the car and set our own schedules is looking great right now. Medicine is a weird career — it’s not like a regular job where you apply, interview, and then get offers. For residency, there is something called the National Match, which is oddly, exactly as it sounds. You apply. You interview. You rank places in the order of your preference. Places rank applicants in the order of their preference. A fancy computer program comes in and matches them up, and in the end, on a single day in March (this year march 16th) every single graduating medical student in the USA opens an envelope at 12PM Eastern time, and inside that envelope is a card on which a program is printed. That is the place that you are going for the next 3-6 years. You don’t get a choice. You just get a “match.” Usually this works out to the candidates advantage, but, as you can imagine, since the candidates and programs are not allowed to tell one another exactly where on the lists they are, its complicated and stress inducing!*

…I’m moving to Andy, we are not moving toward one another. I’m not resentful at all, really. Partially because there are a lot of great programs relatively close to him (as opposed to close to Salt Lake, where there is ONLY 1). But also because it’s what I have always wanted and agreed on from the outset when we started dating. We agreed in this process, though, that programs I didn’t like would not get ranked higher just because there are closer. We weighed everything, and since it’s my career at stake, and at least the next 3 years (and maybe the next 6), then my comfort with the program matters.

[M]y goal is to be within driving distance. Unfortunately, there are actually NO programs in the town where Andy lives. So we are not exactly going to “solve’ our distance problem this way. But baby steps, people…. baby steps.

 

with Andy's daughter

Are there any random things that you see or hear that remind you of each other when you are apart?

Lots of stuff I guess. The same as regular married couples. Songs, cards, new stories, signs, etc. But we communicate about 300 times a day, at least, between txt, phone, email, etc. So when I am at work and he is at work, its not really that different from everyone else who sees a bumper sticker on their commute that reminds them of their spouse.

How reliant (and grateful) are you on technology (cell/email/Skype?)

Extremely. I don’t know how we would survive without it. We use blackberry (for now) and rely heavily on the BBM messenger program. We probably communicate every hour of the day that we are awake, if not more. I ALWAYS have my phone on me at work in the hospital, and he owns his own business, so we lives with his phone by his side too. its been great for us. We also use Skype and email and talk at least 3-4 times a day, even if its only for a few minutes. His is the last voice I hear when I go to bed, and the first i hear when I wake up (not counting my radio-alarm!) A big issue for us is making sure that our phone/email/Skype/camera stuff is easy to use, reliable, and compatible. We both have blackberry now. If Andy wants something new for work I’ll get the same thing. We just need the ease. When your relationship is based this kind of lifeline, you don’t skimp.

 What advice would you give to someone entering into a long distance relationship?

That’s pretty hard. I guess I can’t really say without knowing more details. There is nothing wrong with trying it and having to throw in the towel if it doesn’t work out. Living like this is not for everyone, and that’s ok. But I think I would just encourage people to be honest with one another and themselves. If you are secretly wishing your loved one is going to move closer to you, but not talking about it with that person, then the relationship isn’t going to work. If you want to talk 3 times a day be phone and send love notes, and the other person is happy with talking once a week, that won’t work either. As much as assumptions can ruin any relationship, it can kill a long distance relationship faster than you would imagine. So communicate. A lot. and BE HONEST. This is not the time to be coy and play games. that rarely works in any romance, but will never work when you are strained by distance.

That said, if you decide to commit to it, then really commit. It’s not impossible. But it’s not easy.

__________

Because I conducted this interview in February, I was able to follow up with Lynnie about the news of the placement of her job that she found out about in March:

I DID find out where I am going in June — to Rochester, NY to become part of the Pediatrics Residency program at the Galisano Childrens Hospital at Strong Memorial. It was by far our first choice, and we are very excited about my matching there!

Hiatus

I apologize to my blog readers for my little hiatus. From my day job working as an office manager at a CPA firm and being buried under mounds of paperwork (since I assist in the overall tax return process that doesn’t involve the actual accounting part)…

also, that hand is covered in papercuts

…To dealing with a stomach issue I’ve vaguely mentioned here in passing, that renders me in bed as soon as I stumble home from work, pretty much…

… And then almost no actual communication with Scott (Not the live versionof things, anyway…just texting, and sparse with that as well as our schedules have been really off)

making me almost do this...

…Has made me a bad blogger. But, things are starting to feel better.1- Overtime is exhausting but also financially welcome2 – Colonoscopy, here we come!3 – April is almost here! (and our next visit with it). Funny tidbits while I was away:

• Scott texted me that in the past 2 weeks he had worked 126 hours. I thought of a funny retort about one day later, where I should have responded that one more hour and he might have to saw his arm off. I love wit, but hate delayed reactions.

• Being hit on by a 50-something (!) during the St Patrick’s Day parade celebration in NYC, he didn’t seem to understand that yes, I had a boyfriend, but not with me, as we’re long distance. He didn’t appear as drunk as most the other people in the bar, but he definitely didn’t understand. Maybe he’d just never heard of a state in the midwest called Iowa.

• I learned that Scott has no desire to visit Los Angeles, expressed when I told him that’s where I wanted to go for my birthday weekend (in May).  he did say I could go and, not that I need permission per se, I was bummed that he didn’t want to go. We haven’t had a chance to discuss, but I will be going west that weekend (woo-hoo!).

That feels like it, so far, at least relating to the blog. I will have some more things to share, and promise to resume my three posts per week regime I’ve been (mostly) sticking to since the inception of the blog. I’m kinda hoping I have time to post another today (or tomorrow) so at least I’m at two a week…here’s hoping

Love in Pictures: Favorite Part

Greeting from DR

This picture was taken on a bus in the Dominican Republic. Scott and I traveled there for a friend’s wedding (originally my friends, Gabby and Mike have since become friends with Scott as well).

We had traveled away from our all-inclusive resort to basically drink on a boat in the middle of the water, and swim in the shallow waters. This was taken on the way back.

The reason this picture makes me laugh is because, after showing Scott the pictures I had taken from the trip, he mentioned he liked this picture of me.

The reason?

Because it looks like my boob might pop out.

Happy Friday

The 5 Stages of LDR

Much like the well-known five stages of grief, I believe that there are five stages of emotions that run in an LDR. Unlike a staircase system, however, many of these stages run cyclically (even concurrently), so while you think you might have reached another tier, the truth is these run on one line, and you can hop back and forth between them, sometimes in the span of a day.

beeeep

I also will be specifically addressing relationships that begin as long distance, because it’s my experience, although I really believe that this can apply to all LDR’s, and many (quote /unquote) “normal” relationships.

Excitement

yay love!

You meet-cute, however the circumstances: a party, a wedding, a business trip. You hit it off, and sparks fly. Even though a part of you recognizes in your head there will be complications that differ from the norm, your heart is smitten and determined. You both just know you can make this work. You text, have hours-long conversations about your lives, your loves, the weather. Everything is interesting (much like the beginning of all relationships). There is a weird rush of  excitement in everything you do.  There’s even a sense of the forbidden, because this is different than convention. You tell all your friends about this new person, and they are excited for you, if also a little skeptical. Unfortunately, this is when the excitement starts to bleeds into…

Doubt (also Fear/Paranoia)

wtf?

While you are still excited, you will suddenly experience these pangs of doubt, often intermingled with fear. Most of the time it comes from someone’s negative attitude or assessment of your relationship, some who will qualify it as a “relationship” (quote/end quote) because they don’t get it, or because they tried long distance and it didn’t work. Then you wonder if there’s something that you’re missing, not just the person who isn’t readily available as your Friday night date, but missing in terms not seeing something that this Doubter does. maybe you’re wrong, maybe the investment of miles and minutes spent on the phone and texting and Skype isn’t worth it. Maybe you’re wasting time in something that is more pretend than real. In the worst cases scenarios, you start to get paranoid if you don’t hear from your LDR partner-in-crime, and start to think of life-threatening situations as to why it’s taken an hour to hear back, or you’ve now convinced yourself cheating has entered this realm. Most of the time the paranoid thoughts are fleeting and/or easily squashed (if not, there are bigger things to worry about*). Generally, you deal with doubt and some fears that stem from that. You will often jump back and forth between this and…. Loneliness 

(thanks to mkmckart)

This is going to the be the stage you will become most familiar with, even if you don’t always recognize or acknowledge the loneliness factor. It’s easy to ignore it, because it doesn’t feel the same as regular loneliness. When you’re single and looking (and lonely), the feeling of one of emptiness and longing for someone, a nameless, faceless person that doesn’t exist yet. In an LDR, that same feeling exists, but you have someone in your life, even if much of the time that person exists in a technological plane (cell, Skype, photos). There is still a lack of tangible essence, and you’re still grasping for something emotionally.  For the most people, the people around you aren’t going to get it, and their well-meaning questions will bounce you between here and Doubt. Until, of course, you find the strength in… Determination (sometimes denial)

No one is going to tell you what to do and how to do it. Because this relationship defies convention, the only one you have to be in sync with is the other half of your LDR.  So as long as the two of you feel good about things, that will keep you chugging along. The problem, of course, lies with this determination slipping into denial. Sometimes, you will ignore signs that things aren’t working, or are wrong, signs that might be more apparent in a relationship without a significant car ride/plane ride. Maybe you’re more forgiving if calls are missed or even ignored. Maybe it’s ok that he can’t fly out for your sister’s wedding or for your birthday. And even though there are legitimate reasons why those things can’t happen, that determination for things to work could cloud your doubt and paranoia that should be protecting you from getting hurt. Healthy determination is when the communication you are getting (and giving) is allowing those negative stages to flit in and out as moments instead of seeping and staying. This then gets you into the healthiest stage, one you aspire to no matter what the LDR end result: 

Songs: “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys

I have loved this song a very long time. In fact, even Paul McCartney agrees with me that it is the greatest love song of all time.  I think it’s because of its simplicity and nuances: sleigh bells in the background of a love song that matter-of-factly states that he loves her, no matter what, and should that cease, it means the world ceases to exist. Here are the lyrics:

“God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I’d be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I’d be without you

God only knows what I’d be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows

 

Such romantics, these guys...

This song, as beautiful as it is, also has a heartbreaking element, which I learned in February of 2008. Scott and I had been dating for about five months, and I had invited him to come visit me in New Orleans while I worked the NBA All-Star game for the last time as my boss’ assistant. While I knew I would be working hard, his brother Jason and my bff Val were also coming, so when I was working, he had people to hang out with. Val and I met at the NBA, becoming fast friends and bonding during smoke breaks, when she would smoke and I would just stand outside with her, gossiping. When she called me that Wednesday morning I thought she wanted to do just that – tell me something about a co-worker (even though she no longer worked there, she still kept tight with a lot of the staff still, as she’d been there 7 years). It turned out, instead, that she was telling me that Scott had been in a terrible accident at work, and that while he was alive, he had suffered burns, the extent to which no one knew yet. There is nothing more frightening than getting the news that someone you love is hurt. Our life was compounded by the fact that, work trip or not, I was a flight away from Scott when this happened, so being in Louisiana made little difference since I would have been in New Jersey any other time. Not only that, I was working our company’s biggest event with my boss who demanded a lot – and rightfully so. He was a media personality that required a lot of upkeep at this event, and I was his point person, go between, and fetcher. Even though this event marked the last time I would travel and work directly for him, I had every intention to go out swinging and give it my best.  And now I had to function without any communication from Scott, and not daring to call his family. I remembered clinging onto the fact that I was lucky – I knew Val well before Scott, and so I had a lifeline to him. There was no way I could have called his family, since I had no other numbers. So under ordinary LDR circumstances, I could have easily just been upset with him for not returning my texts or calls, in the dark that he’d been involved in a flash fire.

I spent the day worrying but also working, trying hard not to burst into tears, and doing site visits for a TV shoot with a local guide. I learned about beignets (awesome) and how the city was built to withstand floods, but Hurricane Katrinawas just too much for them. I tried to retain a positive – or at least neutral – attitude. I wound up confiding things to one of my managers, but, ultimately, the show had to go on – literally and I wasn’t exempt from doing my job that now had a personal stress layered on top of it.

I fially got to speak to Scott that night, and learned that due to just bad luck, a flash fire had occurred and pushed him backwards. He wears a helmet and goggles to work, as well as a fireproof suit, but the force of the blast knocked him back and his helmet off. He was alone when it happened, so he had to walk down a hall, smoldering. He suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his face.( To this day, if he’s in the sun for more than 10 minutes, he’s apt to look sunburnt.

Like this, without the smugness

He didn’t think he was coming to New Orleans, and while my brain understood that, my heart refused to. It wasn’t enough to hear his voice; I really needed to see him;  it was important that he be tangible to me, that I know without question he was alive. I slept poorly that night, and the next day was February 14th, a day I’ve expressed having continual struggles with. 

I had mailed Scott a Valentine’s Day card; our plan being that we would celebrate the day with dinner in New Orleans. The night of the accident I ordered him (in lieu of flowers ) a baseball-themed gift basket with a heartfelt note.  Although I accidentally booked it to go to his apartment, it turned out he was staying with his parents, and I didn’t have success explaining it to the customer service rep, who was so kind while I was so irritated (I hope, karmically, I can apologize here). 

Scott did get the basket, and the card, the next day, since he stopped by his apartment before a follow-up doctor’s appointment.  This conversation ensued at the appointment (paraphrased, mostly): 

Scott: So, I guess that means I can’t fly, huh.

Doctor: It’s not recommended, no. What did you have planned?

Scott: My girlfriend works for the NBA and I was invited to go to the All-Star game.

Doctor (looking at clipboard, writing something out): Well, it’d be a shame to miss that, wouldn’t it? 

The doctor wrote him a note that allowed him to travel without having to explain that his extremely red face wasn’t some kind of flesh-eating virus.  And even though the cabin pressure made him swell more so than he had been, he did, in fact, come out to see me. I had been working all day, but keeping in contact with him and Val about his arrival. By the time I got to the outside of my hotel, I saw him.

It’s funny because although I can mentally remember that his face was puffed up and red, all I saw was his smile to see me. I ran to him and hugged him. I realize now that I probably shouldn’t have flung myself on him, but I couldn’t help it – I needed to hold him and make him real to me again. I think that’s something everyone in an LDR can understand: in the time you’re apart, sometimes things don’t feel real until you can be in the same place again.

We wound up having a good time: My work was stellar (it was my third go-around, so I was happy to hold my head high for a smooth event, on my end). Scott got to stand next to Kevin Garnett, and we did the traditional N’awlins thing of sucking the head of crawfish:

Giving good crawfish

On my flight back I decided to change Scott’s ringtone to “God Only Knows”. We’d gone through something that could have taken him away from me, and I understood the song in a way I never had before.

When I hear the song now, even though I might not render it with the nostalgia of this weekend, or even necessarily think of Scott*, I am always overwhelmed with love, and the feeling that I am now privy what Brian Wilson was trying to say, and how beautiful and overwhelming Love is.

 

______

*Scott often teases me about my tastes in music and “stuff from the 50′s”. Our musical tastes are pretty gapped, and I admit my ipod has more older songs than newer, which is why sometimes songs are significant to points for me and Scott, but not an ”our” song attribution.